Month: May 2015

It Hurts So Much!! Victims of Bullies

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Who is most likely to be a victim of a bully? These poor victims that have been depicted in the photos above have characteristics such as physical weakness and are easily distraught emotionally. They may also have physical characteristics that make them easier targets for bullies such as being overweight or having some type of physical deformity.Boys are more likely to be victims of physical bullying while girls are more likely to be socially bullied.In general, these victims do not have nor have been taught social problem solving skills.

Victims of bullies may come home with unexplained injuries or with damaged or missing clothing or possessions and do not reveal these assaults with their family. They exhibit changes in eating habits, make excuses not to go to school, acts out of character and has fewer friends. Sleeping difficulties are evident and, in essence, the nervous system of these victims is on overdrive. Anxiety can also be evident and keeps these children up at night or cause frequent nightmares.

According to bullying statistics of 2014, the following data is provided;

Over 3.2 million students are effected by bullying each year.

1 in 4 teachers see nothing wrong with bullying and will intervene only 4% of the time.

17% of child victims report bullying 2 to 3 times a month.

71% of students report incidents of bullying as a problem in their schools.

Physical bullying increases in elementary school, peaks in middle school and declines in high school. Verbal abuse remains constant.

Girls bully in groups more than boys do.

There is significant research which indicates that either adult or child victims of bullying are at risk of stress related illness which can possibly lead to suicide. Those who have been the targets of bullying can suffer from long term emotional and behavioral problems. Bullying can cause loneliness, depression, anxiety and lead to low self esteem and increased susceptibility to illness.

Even though there is evidence that bullying increases the risk of suicide, bullying alone does not cause suicide. Depression is one of the main reasons why children who are bullied commit suicide. Lack of support from family and friends can be factors in depression and suicide. Hence, a major factor in the prevention of depression and potential suicide is the love, support and acute awareness of any changes in the victim by parents and friends as well as teachers.

Looking at the tortured faces of a victim of a bully as noted above, does demonstrate the intense pain that they are experiencing and no child or adult should be allowed to suffer in such a way when it can be prevented.

My next post will discuss cyber bullying and what defines this behavior and how to prevent this dysfunctional behavior which impacts children as well as adults.

Please do let us hear your voice and what your are feeling about this topic of bullying.

This Little Terror: The Bully on the Playground!

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As noted by the photos and the facial expressions above, bullies do, indeed, terrorize others. Personality characteristics of a child who bullies are those who possess social power and are overly concerned about their popularity and tend to desire to dominate and be in charge of others. These children are highly aggressive and easily frustrated. Children who are bullies have little parental attention or discipline and may live within a dysfunctional family system. In general, these children have a negative perception of others and view violence as a normal and acceptable behavior. These children have friends who are bullies and find it difficult to follow rules and have little respect for authority. Unfortunately, a childhood bully finds it most difficult to identify with the emotions and feelings of others, peers as well as adults. In essence, they lack any form of compassion for others.

Examples of such bulling behavior on the playground are attacking another child physically or verbally such as name calling or excluding a child from a group activity. Bullies also make threats, spread rumors and tease excessively. Taunting and threatening to cause harm and damaging a child’s reputation are additional behaviors that hurt the victim of a bully. Physical abuse inflicted by a bully are hitting, punching, spitting, pushing and the destruction of the victim’s possessions. Bullying can occur during or after school hours. Most bullying does happen within the school building or playground but it has been reported to occur on the school bus or in the neighborhood of the victim.

Upon review of the clinical facts about this “little terror” or bully, studies have found that envy and resentment and victimization of bullying themselves may be motives for bullying. By demeaning others, the bully feels empowered. According to clinical research, these children may suffer from depression and personality disorders and impulsive reactions in the use of anger and the utilization of force. In addition, these young bullies may have an addiction to aggressive behaviors and engage in obsessive or rigid actions. These children mistake other’s actions as hostile and they have a need to preserve their self image. Bullying may also result from a genetic predisposition or a brain abnormality. Ineffective discipline and environmental factors such as a stressful home life and hostile siblings do contribute to the development of bullying children. Bullies may be inclined toward negativity and some perform poorly academically and may perceive school as a hostile environment with unfriendly peers.

My future posts will continue with the topic of bullies and how the victims of these little terrors are permanently effected by the actions of bullies . Other posts will present interventions in dealing with this behavioral dysfunction and effect change in helping to understand and reduce childhood bullying. I will also define and summarize cyber bullying in other posts and introduce a children’s novel, NICKI NICE’S BULLY, which will be published this summer.

Please do let us hear your voice and what you are feeling regarding these topics.

Mother’s Day: A Revelation of Female Bullies in the Family

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Mother’s Day may not be a day of celebration for those who were not blessed with a loving, protective and generous mother. I will reveal in this post that I am one of those individuals who came into this world with a mother ( and father) who did not exhibit these blessed characteristics that are celebrated in honor of Mother’s Day. I was abandoned by this mother and I only celebrate and honor the loving grandparent that gave me a home and raised and loved me.

A woman who is a bully inflicts both physical as well as emotional abuse on both her spouse and her children. As noted in the photos above, her rage and dysfunctional behavior creates a horrific family environment. In defining her bullying, it is an act of physical and emotional aggression that results in long term or permanent injury to her victims. Abandonment of a child may be a very short term demonstration of bullying and abuse but, as revealed by someone who did experience a bully as a parent, such action does result in long term scars and emotional pain.

A mother who exhibits the following actions are indeed bullies who do need to be reported and provided
with mental health intervention;

Shaking a baby or toddler which does lead to brain damage

Drug or alcohol abuse during pregnancy which will effect the baby

Beating, slapping, kicking, pinching, pushing, pulling hair, and tossing a child

Additional forms of abuse that have been reported are denial of nourishment, preventing the child to
use the toilet or wash. Forcing the child to obey with the use of or threat of physical force and the
use of objects to inflict pain such as a belt or any other object have also been described as bullying and abuse.

Emotional abuse of a child is not easily identified but the results may last a lifetime. A mother may inflict emotional bullying by aggressive or passive aggressive behavior that creates humiliation and fear. She also exhibits such bullying towards her spouse as well who may not have the courage to challenge her destructive and dysfunctional actions. The following actions are examples of bullying and abuse;

Verbal threats, name calling,ignoring and neglecting, using foul language, humiliation in public, inciting conflict amongst family members, shouting, unreasonable and strict rules and, most hurtfully, telling the child that it would be better if they were never born. Similar messages are also directed towards the spouse as well. It should be noted that, although quite rare, mothers do sexual abuse their children although many readers could be in great disbelief.

What can be done to expose this living hell that many spouses and children are living in? First, the most influential and relevant individual to effect change is the husband and father who needs to find the courage to seek clinical support for his wife and children. Secondly, one of the victimized and strongest child needs to report his crisis to a school counselor or a trusted adult to find help for their siblings and parents. Lastly, if a family friend or relative is aware of the dysfunction in the family, they should offer the emotional support to the spouse to find the courage and the resources to disclose the abuse and bullying actions of his wife and seek help from Child Protective Services or a skilled clinician and licensed family therapist.

Perhaps future Mother’s Day celebrations may bring joy, peace and serenity to the female bully and her family. Behavioral change is possible for all who need to find happiness.

Please do let us hear your voice and what you are feeling on this topic.

My next post will introduce the topic of childhood bulling, both the perpetrator and the victim.

Watch Out! The Monster Bully in the Family is Coming!!??

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Yes, indeed, these photos as shown above are most frightening, generating the reaction to “Watch Out!” This post will attempt to identify the male bully in the family and to assist victims in identifying and observing such behavior patterns.

Bullying is not a behavior that is seen exclusively on the playground since the adult bully never stops the bullying behavior and will tend to bring these dysfunctional patterns into their family system. For such a long time, men with bullying behaviors have been perceived as just “having a bad temper”, who rightfully exhibit frustrations with those in his family. Society has minimized such behavior as immature, child-like actions and described the bully as “Boys will be boys”, or “That’s just how men are.” These male bullies are more focused on their own feelings and image of self-importance and power than on how others are effected by their actions. Unfortunately, the female victims of these bullies are saddled with the responsibilities of working and caring for their children and possibly financially dependent on these men. These women tend to swallow their feelings of abuse and bullying rather than express them for fear of retaliation.

As noted in the photos, bullies can use physical abuse as well as emotional abuse to control their victims and to establish their power over the family as well as the spouse. Physical bullying is defined as an act of physical aggression that causes injury such as beatings, slapping, kicking , pushing, hair pulling, use of objects that cause pain such as a belt or burning the skin with cigarettes or a hot iron. Sexual abuse such as the rape of the wife and sexual assault without consent is, indeed, defined as physical bullying.

Emotional bullying is more difficult to detect as well as clearly and rationally reported it to others. The impact of such bullying is enormous and will endure for a very long time. Such bullying is observed as name calling, threatening, the use of foul language toward the victim on a regular basis, shouting, ignoring, neglect, isolating the victim from family and friends and the extensive use of drugs and alcohol which significantly increases bullying and violence. The use of threats is a frequent method of controlling the victim. Children within a family with a bully are additional victims of abuse since they are witnessing the emotional as well as the physical violence of the bully. These family members may emulate the bully and such behavior is repeated at school or on the playground.

If this Bully Monster is victimizing you or someone you know, intervention is needed immediately! The bully cannot acknowledge his abusive behavior because he does not recognize the impact of what he is doing. Therefore, if he cannot acknowledge the behavior, he cannot change the behavior. The victim must take action and get out of the relationship in order to protect herself and her children. The victim deserves a life free of fear and abuse and needs to develop a plan of action to vacate and to have available telephone numbers for the police and a battered women’s shelter. The bully will not and cannot change his behavior by the victim’s intervention only. Clinical intervention is relevant in order to help the bully overcome his violent and destructive behavior and perhaps regain his spouse and family.

Please do let us hear your voice and what you are feeling about this topic. Next time, I will be continuing to discuss this topic but I will focus on the female bully as well as the children in the family and how bullying effects their emotional development.