Grooming Children: Weapons for Pedophiles

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As noted in my last Blog, I did describe and define pedophiles , “sexual predators on the playground” that parents need to be aware of. I also planned on providing the techniques and tools that these predators use to capture their prey utilizing the weapon of GROOMING.

As noted in Gregory Weber’s article, this process of capturing a victim on the playground is entitled Grooming. It increases the pedophile’s access to his victim and decreases the likelihood of discovery. Anna Salter, a respected psychologist and an expert in the field of child sexual assault describes this formula to capture a pedophile’s prey. ” The establishment (and eventual betrayal) of affection and trust occupies a central role in the child predator’s interactions. The grooming process often seems similar from offender to offender, largely because it takes little to discover that emotional seduction is the most effective way to manipulate children.”

Grooming is a process and it begins when the pedophile chooses a target area. He may visit places where children are likely to be found; schools, shopping malls, playgrounds, parks and social functions as a malicious guest.

Victim selection and recruitment are next but there is no prototypical victim of child sex abuse. Any child of any age can be victimized but usually children with needs are targeted. A child who feels unloved and unpopular will soak up adult attention like a sponge. Children with family problems , who spend time alone  and unsupervised and those who lack confidence and self esteem and are isolated from their peers are all likely targets.

Pedophiles engage or recruit their victims in different ways. Many use a combination of forced teaming and charm. They may offer to play games, give rides or buy gifts as tokens of friendship. They may offer drugs or alcohol to older children to lure them further in satisfying their sexual needs. They almost always offer a sympathetic , understanding ear to hear all of their complaints and problems that parents have failed to listen to. They will acknowledge that parents do not understand them, or respect them, but I do. Other kids make fun of you, parents don’t trust you and they don’t want you to grow up. These pedophiles profess to trust them, love them, respect them and care for them more than anybody else. They may profess their love and appeal to their level of guilt not to report them because they could go to jail. Yes, these predators do take the time to seduce their prey and do not attack impulsively.

Pedophiles will introduce secrecy at some point during the grooming process. Initially, secrecy binds the victim to him. He directs the victim not to tell friends because they will be jealous and, most of all, don’t tell your parents. Secrecy then turns into threats, “If you tell your parents, they will hate you, it will kill them or I will kill them or you.”

Emotional bonding and grooming will lead to physical contact. Pedophiles utilize the grooming process to break down a child’s defenses and increase the child’s acceptance of sexual contact. Premature stimulation of sexual feelings may occur since cognitive development of decision making has not yet evolved in a child particularly below the age of thirteen. The pedophile breaks down inhibitions and this leads to more sexual experiences and intercourse, the predator’s ultimate goal.

In conclusion, as noted by Gavin De Becker in his article, the best way to recognize grooming behavior is to pay attention to your child and the people in their life. Children require the protection of adults from adults. Their fear of people and their intuition is not yet fully developed and nor filled with information and experience to keep them from harm. Yes, parents have many demands in their lives but nothing is more important that the safety and welfare of our children. When we blindly surrender responsibility for our loved ones such as incompetent caregivers or even the schools who do not, at times, report the absence of a child at school in due time,  we invite trouble.

Most importantly, please talk to your little angels and teach them to recognize grooming behaviors. Teach them to trust you with their problems and their pain not a predatory stranger. The safest child does have a close bonded relationship with their parents and distrust for strangers.

In my next Blog, I will discuss and share the symptoms of sexually violated children , the healing process and an understanding of the emotional functioning of pedophiles. Do share with us on whatsyourfeeling.wordpress.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PARENTS: Beware of the Sexual Predator on the Playground!

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PHOTO OF PEDOPHILE

Yes, your child may be the object of sexual predators who frequent the social gathering sites of children! They are searching for their prey to entice and capture by their skillful methods. These perpetrators are hunters finding innocent children to lure them into their sexual dens of perverted satisfactions of their obsessive needs to violate the bodies of these precious children.

Yes, do take heed because these sexual predators are lurking in locations where your little angels congregate particularly if they are in the age group of 10 to 13 years of age. Let me begin with the startling statistics that have been reported. During the year of 2012, there were 69,939 cases of child sexual abuse reported and in the following four years, the numbers may have risen. It should be noted that the key word in these statistics is “reported cases” and not calculated are the number of cases that are yet to be recognized and treated. According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics National Criminal Victimization Survey, in 2012, there were 346,830 reports of rapes of persons 12 years or older.  In essence , at least 20% of  victims are females. Only about 10% of perpetrators are strangers to the child.In my next blog on this subject, I will provide information on who these sex offenders are and how they use the technique of Grooming their victims.

The formal definition of child sex abuser is when an adult uses a child for sexual stimulation and engages in sexual activities by pressuring his victim to comply with his sexual demands. Most child sexual abuse is committed by men and 60% are perceived by the child as an acquaintance .

The word, “pedophile” is commonly applied to anyone who sexually abuses a child for sexual gratification.The American Psychological Association states that “children cannot consent to sexual activity with adults.” ” An adult who engages in sexual activity with a child is performing a criminal and immoral act which never can be considered normal or socially acceptable behavior.”

A recent sexual assault by a pedophile to a child that is close to me did correlate with all of the facts and statistics provided in this blog and he utilized the technique of Grooming his victim which I will describe in my next blog. This pedophile , photographed above, who is twenty years old ,befriend a child of thirteen and, in spite of his age, was accepted within her peer group. He gained her trust and met her needs of companionship, unending compliments and his trust. The use of alcohol was introduced and encouraged in order to uninhibited her impulses. After his seduction , he did caution her against revealing his actions and attempted to sever parent bonding. It should be noted that a child’s cognitive brain development and the development of mature decision making is not fully evolved at that young age and an adult can, indeed, manipulate and provoke inappropriate behavior.

This victim of  statutory rape was also raped of her privacy and reputation by her local newspaper who assigned a staff reporter to attend the trial of this pedophile and used the incomplete contents of the police report to write her article . Unfortunately, this reporter presented this child as a consensual sex partner and did not report on the fact that this pedophile also committed other sex crimes, one with a twelve year old boy. She blamed the victim and this child was depicted as a slut without parental supervision. As a result of public knowledge of the unnamed victim who was identified by community gossip and the news article, was traumatized and chopped off all her gorgeous hair . Her mother was ostracized and berated by other parents in her social environment and labeled an unfit mother who did not supervise her daughter. These accusations were most untrue if one truly knew the social history of this family and child. Yes, the media  also assaulted this victim of sex abuse by not reporting the story in it’s entirety.

Please do read my next blog in which I will provide facts and information on the Grooming techniques of pedophiles, the emotional damage that victims exhibit and how parents can protect their children from this heinous crime.

The Dark Tunnel of Depression

Depression ranges in seriousness from mild, temporary episodes of sadness to severe, persistent depression. Clinical depression is the more severe form of depression also known as major depressive disorder. This is not similar to depression caused by a loss such as the death of a loved one, failure or precipitated by a medical disorder.

Some symptoms of a clinical depression is an inability to experience pleasure, significant weight loss, insomnia , restlessness, fatigue, poor concentration and recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.These symptoms must be severe enough to cause noticeable problems with relationships and day to day functioning.

This condition can affect people of any age even children. Depression can be treated with counseling and medication. Yes, there is hope in departing from this tunnel of depression and hopelessness.

When you are incarcerated in this dark tunnel of depression, you feel as if you will never see the light. However some do perceive this illumination of hope in the form of a loved one reaching out and offering their love and support. Some of us unwisely perceive this light as the hope of peace and serenity and away from all of the emotional pain of life rather than a loved one. This light at the end of the tunnel is not a rational perception but an hallucination of relief that is yearned for to diminish our pain but it is not reality.

How does one reach the end of this tunnel of depression ? One must rely on internal strength and determination derived from the spirit of hope or prayer. Each step may be a tremendous feat but meditation and methods of relaxation ( yoga, exercise) will stimulate those neurological hormones to heighten our emotional strength and determination. Of course, therapy and psycho-tropic medication will also provide the neuro-chemical stimulation to assist the body to take those steps to escape from this tunnel.

On this journey that we call life and the escape out of the tunnel of depression, we will stumble and fall over jagged rocks of cruelty, rejection, abandonment , failure and abuse. One must focus on the light of love and encouragement to guide us out of this dark place.

The cliche, “physican heal thyself” does apply to me at this time. I am relying on all of my emotional strength and determination to find my way out of this terrible place. One must not despair and follow that light in the form of soul mates who hold on to your broken heart and even one of God’s creatures. My Siamese cat, Siam, intuitively senses my physical (from cancer) discomfort and emotional pain and will creep up to my neck and knead his paws while looking into my eyes with phenomenal compassion. Yes, we can overcome those painful obstacles on the path of life and on our journey out of the dark tunnel of depression. As this blog is called, what’s your feeling? ,please do let me know that you have heard my voice and this message from the heart.

 

 

 

PARENTING BY GOD’S CREATURES

My heart was so touched by the sight today of “God’s Creatures”, eagle parents awaiting the birth of their two babies. Upon their arrival, the mother eagle blanketed the body of her babies with her warm feathers. Father eagle, while mother was nurturing their new babies, went out to search for fish to feed his new family. Their parental love was radiated in the photos depicting this beautiful family scene. Each parent was lovingly feeding the babies their meal.

In contrast to this loving scene, there are dysfunctional families in the human race, not amongst God’s Creatures, that abandon their newborns and starve and physically abuse their off spring. It is instinctual that God’s Creatures strive to care and protect their young. Some humans lack this intuitive ability to love and protect their children and organizations such as Child Protective Services must monitor the absence of the ability to nurture. God’s Creatures have no need for such supervisory services in the parenting of their off spring.

There appears to be little scientific knowledge on the differences in nurturing abilities between God’s Creatures and why some humans with higher cognitive abilities lack the ability to nurture and protect their young. Perhaps sometime in the future we will have a better understanding in replicating the strong nurturing instincts of God’s Creatures.

VICTIMS OF BULLIES WHOSE LIVES ARE DESTROYED

I am always shocked by the number of news stories and articles that I read verifies all of the statistics and predictions about victims of bullying. An article in a publication entitled, TIDEWATER TIMES, included an article, “Mariah’s Mission”, on a young woman who was subjected to bullying in her middle school years. As stated by her parent, “….going into middle school, some of the bullying started and I could see her struggling with anxiety and depression.” ” In high school, seeking shelter from the perfect storm of bullying , anxiety and depression, Mariah began self medicating with alcohol and prescription drugs.

This true story of the struggles associated with Mariah’s mission to seek a valid diagnosis for her emotional dysfunction, I am certain will sadden all who learn of this young woman’s life. In spite of her abuse at the hands of bullies, incorrect mental diagnosis and her need to numb the emotional pain with the use of alcohol and drugs, she did continue to  function academically and participated in school activities. However, as the years progressed, her emotional pain became too great and ultimately, Mariah did take her life. I do suspect that , as a psychologist, Mariah’s early abuse by school bullies did open her emotional  wounds and she continued to bleed since the pain and destruction of bullies did nothing to heal her wounds and they opened the doors to other destructive behavioral patterns.

As many victims of bullying, Mariah did not displace her pain on others but directed that rage upon herself.  Many victims of bullies, displace their anger and pain at innocent victims. It was documented that the perpetrators of Columbine kept diaries on how they were hurt and rejected by school bullies as did the Sandy Hook murderer who targeted young victims within the very same school building where he attended and was brutally abused by bullies for many years.

Knowledge is power and I would like to provide shocking statistics on bullying, this dysfunctional and lethal behavior;

70% of children suffer bullying at their schools or 38,500,000 victims

One half of suicides among young people are directly related to bullying

Bully victims are between two to nine times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims ( Yale University)

30% of students are either victims of bullies or bullies themselves

160,000 children stay home from school everyday for fear of bullying

Bully related suicide can be associated with any form of bullying: physical, emotional, cyberbullying, texting.

Since the 1990’s, there have been 12 to 15 school shootings related to perpetrators having been bullied as students.

Yes, these statistics are quite frightening but they can be altered by social and school interventions. Schools should be a safe place to learn and anti-bullying programs are relevant in the prevention of the loss of another life. Knowledge is power and children, parents and schools need to understand this violent and dysfunctional behavior.

As a psychologist and author, I have focused on my quest in addressing this bullying dilemma. My latest book, NICKI NICE’S BULLY, helps children understand bullies and their behavior and how to deal with these frightening classmates. My website, nicknicesbully.tateauthor.com does provide much information about this book which empowers children to protect themselves from bullies.

NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP!

I have written a number of blog posts and one of them was on the topic of motivation and never giving up on your dreams. As the term implies, “Physician heal thy self”, I am clinical psychologist who is currently struggling with issues centering on failure, motivation and how to follow my life long motto of “Never Give Up”.

I will now disclose my intimate confession of personal failures with the hope of not soliciting pity but encouraging my readers to find their own solutions and strategies in never giving up.

Failure number one, independently marketing and publicizing my first novel, FAMILY SECRETS: A JOURNEY OF GOOD AND EVIL. My website, familysecrets.tateauthor.com, will describe this fictional autobiography which I did pour my heart into and, in spite of the challenges of struggling with cancer survival, I did invest much energy into publicizing and marketing this book but with little success.

My motto, never give up, has now been applied to my next book, a children’s series with the first book entitled, NICKI NICES BULLY. I did submit a number of blog posts on this subject and the story is based on my granddaughter, Nicole’s, experiences as a victim of bullies. The website for this book is nickinicesbully.tateauthor.com. I do intend to focus much energy in the publicity and  marketing of this book as well. Never Give Up!

My next experience with failure has been this very blog site which has not reached more than five readers who did not add any comments to over twenty-four posts that have been published. It has been some time since I dared to venture back to WordPress and create another blog post if so few readers wish to hear my voice. Never Give Up! Yes, I am honored to share my views and experiences with those readers who care to visit my Blog. Thank you, Thank you and never give up on me because I do promise to find enticing and informative topics to share with you.

Perhaps you can relate to feelings of failure and the desperation of finding a way to “pick yourself up and start all over again!” Motivation takes energy and, most of all, trust in yourself that what you have attempted to accomplish will, indeed, happen, some time soon. It just takes time, repetition and belief in yourself that you do have the ability to achieve success in whatever it is that you dream of and aspire to accomplish. NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP!

Parents: Our First Responders

isis children.jpg 640×371 pixelsAs a therapist, psychologist and cancer survivor, I am profoundly shocked and effected by the rage and destructive behavior of some of our young people who inflict violence upon innocent victims!

Such dysfunctional actions caused by both genetics and environmental factors precipitate violent actions in our world. Some of these horrific perpetrators are motivated to kill, injure and traumatize their victims by their  by their abusive and painful social histories, their past. Most of these enraged young people have been physically and emotionally victimized themselves by caregivers and by entrusted individuals in their past lives. Their extreme rage is displaced upon others who, in their distorted minds, are representatives of their painful memories and suffering.

These mentally ill and destroyed minds are numerous and found throughout the world, not just in our country. In the media each day, we are presented with irrate young people beheading, bombing and torturing  innocent victims including  beautiful  and innocent young children . Some of the political leaders in the Middle East are themselves afflicted with mental illness rooted in their early years of childhood abuse and the absence of love with role models of violence. All of these lost souls or thugs in gangs entitled , ISIS , CALIBAN , HAMAS and AL QUEDA are led by manical devils who are filled with rage and retaliation for their lives of poverty and the absence of love and nurturance .  Such rage is directed at innocent victims such as Americans as reflected by 9/11. Within our own country and regions, we continue to witness this tragedy and rage as demonstrated by college massacres, the Baltimore  crisis in April which resulted in fires, police and firemen assaults and destruction of businesses and the lives of innocent people by disturbed young adults and teens.

Our country, our world, as in my analysis, exhibits this cancer of violence precipitating the suffering and death of innocent people including the perpetrators.  All of the proposed interventions such as gun control will not end the growth of this cancer that surrounds us. The only prescription in the termination of this disease of violence is to treat the dysfunction  that is plaguing our world. Our government needs to become proactive and increase our Mental Health programs and initiate early intervention in childhood and identify and treat these potential terrorists who begin to displace their misguided rage and anger in nursery school before they move on to the college campus. Parents are, indeed, the first and only FIRST RESPONDERS who need to honestly observe, accept and acknowledge  the behaviors of their precious angels and report such unusual and inappropriate behaviors to trained clinicians. These fallen angels need immediate treatment before they develop into candidates for the welcoming arms of the ISIS gang or their local gang of violent”family” members of other disturbed peers.

Parents need to closely monitor their children with an acute awareness of their child’s behavior patterns, media influences and questionable role models. Knowledge is power and the power to love, guide and, yes, intrude upon their children’s privacy and protect them from the cancer of violence and a devastating future.

Yes, a comprehensive mental health program that reaches out to all citizens at every economical level would be costly but saving lives is more relevant than counting pennies. Just ask any family member of the victims of the violence that we are witnessing on the social media each day. My only hope is that the opinion and suggestions of just one individual will influence our politicians to  act quickly in the increase of Mental Health funding to reach all needy individuals afflicted by this cancer of violence and prevent any further destructive incidents. This travesty could touch upon your life and your family at any moment, in any location. Knowledge is power!! Please do contact your legislative representatives NOW!

The Cancer of Violence

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VIOLENCE ON CAMPUS

It has been some time since the psychologist found her motivation as noted in the theme of my last posts about motivation. Yes indeed, I have found my motivation to continue writing in my Blog with the recent violence that is enveloping us. I was motivated enough to send this piece to my local newspaper to be published in order to have others, especially the politicians, hear my voice !

As a local therapist, psychologist and cancer survivor, I am profoundly shocked and significantly effected by the rage and destructive behavior of our young people inflicting violence upon innocent victims!

Such dysfunctional actions effected and caused by both genetics or environmental causations are relevant factors precipitating violent actions. These horrific perpetrators are motivated to kill, injure and traumatize their victims  by their abusive and painful social histories, their past. Most of these enraged people  have been physically and emotionally victimized themselves by caregivers and entrusted individuals in their past life. Their extreme rage is displaced upon others who, in their distorted minds, are representatives of their painful memories and suffering.

These mentally ill and destroyed minds are numerous and found throughout the world, not just in our country . In the media each day, we are presented with irate young people beheading, bombing and torturing innocent victims including beautiful and innocent young children. Some of the political leaders in the Middle East are themselves afflicted with mental illness rooted in their early years of childhood abuse and the absence of love with role models of violence. All of these lost souls or thugs in gangs entitled ISIS , Taliban, Hamas and Al Queda are lead  by maniacal devils who’s are filled with rage and retaliation for their lives of poverty  and the absence of love  and nurturance. Such rage is directed at innocent victims  such as Americans as reflected by 9/11. Within our own country and regions , we continue to witness this tragedy and rage as demonstrated by college massacres, the Baltimore riot in April which resulted in fires, police and firemen assaults and destruction to businesses and the livelihood of innocent people by disturbed people.

Our country, our world as in my analysis,this a cancer of violence precipitated by the suffering and death of innocent people including the perpetrators. All of the proposed interventions such as gun control will not end the growth of this cancer that surrounds us. The only prescription in the termination of this disease is to treat the dysfunction that is plaguing our world . Our government needs to become proactive and increase our Mental Health programs and initiate early intervention in childhood and identify and treat these potential terrorists who begin to displace their misguided rage and anger in nursery school before they move on to the college campus. Parents are, indeed, the first and only “first responders” who need to honestly observe , accept and acknowledge the behaviors of their precious angels and report such unusual and inappropriate behaviors to trained clinicians. These fallen angels need immediate treatment before they develop into candidates for the welcoming hands of the ISIS gang or their local gang of violent “family” members of disturbed peers.

Parents need to closely monitor their children with an acute awareness of their child’s  behavior pattens, media influences and questionable role models. Knowledge is power! Do contact your representatives NOW!

Please do let us hear your voice on this post and tell us what’s your feeling.

Never Give Up

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This posting will be a tribute to the motto, NEVER GIVE UP, a concept that was instilled to all of the children in my Character Counts, national character building program. These next posts that I will be presenting are far more meaningful to me than my other topics of racism, bully and illness. These words are meaningful and do come from my heart.

I needed to abide by those words, “never give up” in order to overcome three bouts of cancer, the writing, publishing and marketing of my first book and the motivation to keep publishing these blogs in spite of the fact that I do not have a large following. I recently responded to the blog on the topic of jealousy that was written by Danielle Steel, a very successful author. I did model my book, FAMILY SECRETS: A JOURNEY OF GOOD AND EVIL,on her writing style and genre.My motivation in responding to her blog was to capture her attention in hopes of having her visit my website, familysecrets:tateauthor.com and by some miracle , read my book. I never give up! In this response , I did acknowledge her theory on jealousy and provided my own issues with jealousy for other authors that I do know personally who have reached much success in the marketing of their books.

What is the correlation between Danielle Steel’s blog on “jealousy” and my blog on motivation and never giving up? As noted in Steel’s blog, jealousy is a negative reaction and such negativity does diminish any motivation to succeed since this emotion does impact upon the ability to never give up. We assume that another’s success indicates that you lack the ability to perform and to achieve your goal.Jealousy does impair our belief in ourself and instills a negative belief that we are not good enough and causes one to give up.

Thomas Edison invented the incandescent light bulb. He is said to have failed trying many, many thousands of times before he finally got it right. He is a great example of how determination will keep one going in spite of their perception of failure. Instead of giving up after all of his failures, he kept trying until he succeeded. His persistence did light up the world! Edison stated, “I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” He never gave up!

It is one’s attitude and responses to life situations which dictate how you feel. Difficulties are a normal part of life and we all have to face them daily and sometimes these problems are very overwhelming to overcome. If you can change your attitude towards these problems and perceive them as challenges, you will then become motivated not downcast in effecting change in your life. A challenge is an opportunity to succeed. Life is a learning experience, positive or negative and we must never give up. In order to live in this world, I had to look upon cancer as a challenge and I never gave up fighting or living. I will continue to market my book and write my blogs and never give up!

In my next post, I will continue to discuss strategies on the topic of never giving up on your goals and challenges in life.

Please do let us hear your voice and tell us how you feel about this topic.

The Emotional and Physical Pain of Illness

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It has been quite some time since I posted my last blog. I have written on the subjects of the pain of racism, the pain of bullying and, now, I am posting a blog on the subject of the emotional pain of illness. Each one of these topics has touched upon my life and experiences and my absence from the submission of my blogs is significantly related to my own experience with illness. I do so wish to share these personal events with all of my readers and, perhaps, provide much information and coping skills for both the victim of an illness as well as the family and friends of a patient.

My personal revelation involves emergency surgery due to acute hemorrhaging attributed to radiation cancer treatment years ago. My bladder was the site of this traumatizing event and, due to the extent of radiation damage, this organ is significantly destroyed. I now must live with a chronic disease and, as documented in the following research, I do need to practice what I preach as a clinical psychologist.

Distress is quite common following a chronic disease diagnosis. Research indicates that people who are experiencing a number of stressful life events and processing the news of a diagnosis can experience a flood of emotions. Grief is a common reaction with various stages of denial, bargaining and sadness.One may feel that they are on an emotional roller coaster but this experience is quite normal and will ease with time. Facing your diagnosis is the only way to cope with illness. Knowledge is power and bringing with you a comprehensive list of questions and concerns to your doctor is an excellent strategy in coping will illness and providing one with feelings of empowerment.

It is important to surround yourself with positive and supportive people who can assist you in managing your disease. Accompanying you to medical appointments and being a second pair of ears with additional questions for the doctor is a relevant request for those who are assisting you. If there are children ( youngsters or young adults) in the family, it is advised that you should be honest but not too graphic about the disease. Fear of the unknown does provoke much fear and anxiety within a family.

In my next post, I will expand on this topic and provide additional strategies in coping with the emotional and physical pain of illness.

Please do let us hear what your feelings are about this latest topic.