Tag: Adult bullies in the family

Mother’s Day: A Revelation of Female Bullies in the Family

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Mother’s Day may not be a day of celebration for those who were not blessed with a loving, protective and generous mother. I will reveal in this post that I am one of those individuals who came into this world with a mother ( and father) who did not exhibit these blessed characteristics that are celebrated in honor of Mother’s Day. I was abandoned by this mother and I only celebrate and honor the loving grandparent that gave me a home and raised and loved me.

A woman who is a bully inflicts both physical as well as emotional abuse on both her spouse and her children. As noted in the photos above, her rage and dysfunctional behavior creates a horrific family environment. In defining her bullying, it is an act of physical and emotional aggression that results in long term or permanent injury to her victims. Abandonment of a child may be a very short term demonstration of bullying and abuse but, as revealed by someone who did experience a bully as a parent, such action does result in long term scars and emotional pain.

A mother who exhibits the following actions are indeed bullies who do need to be reported and provided
with mental health intervention;

Shaking a baby or toddler which does lead to brain damage

Drug or alcohol abuse during pregnancy which will effect the baby

Beating, slapping, kicking, pinching, pushing, pulling hair, and tossing a child

Additional forms of abuse that have been reported are denial of nourishment, preventing the child to
use the toilet or wash. Forcing the child to obey with the use of or threat of physical force and the
use of objects to inflict pain such as a belt or any other object have also been described as bullying and abuse.

Emotional abuse of a child is not easily identified but the results may last a lifetime. A mother may inflict emotional bullying by aggressive or passive aggressive behavior that creates humiliation and fear. She also exhibits such bullying towards her spouse as well who may not have the courage to challenge her destructive and dysfunctional actions. The following actions are examples of bullying and abuse;

Verbal threats, name calling,ignoring and neglecting, using foul language, humiliation in public, inciting conflict amongst family members, shouting, unreasonable and strict rules and, most hurtfully, telling the child that it would be better if they were never born. Similar messages are also directed towards the spouse as well. It should be noted that, although quite rare, mothers do sexual abuse their children although many readers could be in great disbelief.

What can be done to expose this living hell that many spouses and children are living in? First, the most influential and relevant individual to effect change is the husband and father who needs to find the courage to seek clinical support for his wife and children. Secondly, one of the victimized and strongest child needs to report his crisis to a school counselor or a trusted adult to find help for their siblings and parents. Lastly, if a family friend or relative is aware of the dysfunction in the family, they should offer the emotional support to the spouse to find the courage and the resources to disclose the abuse and bullying actions of his wife and seek help from Child Protective Services or a skilled clinician and licensed family therapist.

Perhaps future Mother’s Day celebrations may bring joy, peace and serenity to the female bully and her family. Behavioral change is possible for all who need to find happiness.

Please do let us hear your voice and what you are feeling on this topic.

My next post will introduce the topic of childhood bulling, both the perpetrator and the victim.

Watch Out! The Monster Bully in the Family is Coming!!??

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Yes, indeed, these photos as shown above are most frightening, generating the reaction to “Watch Out!” This post will attempt to identify the male bully in the family and to assist victims in identifying and observing such behavior patterns.

Bullying is not a behavior that is seen exclusively on the playground since the adult bully never stops the bullying behavior and will tend to bring these dysfunctional patterns into their family system. For such a long time, men with bullying behaviors have been perceived as just “having a bad temper”, who rightfully exhibit frustrations with those in his family. Society has minimized such behavior as immature, child-like actions and described the bully as “Boys will be boys”, or “That’s just how men are.” These male bullies are more focused on their own feelings and image of self-importance and power than on how others are effected by their actions. Unfortunately, the female victims of these bullies are saddled with the responsibilities of working and caring for their children and possibly financially dependent on these men. These women tend to swallow their feelings of abuse and bullying rather than express them for fear of retaliation.

As noted in the photos, bullies can use physical abuse as well as emotional abuse to control their victims and to establish their power over the family as well as the spouse. Physical bullying is defined as an act of physical aggression that causes injury such as beatings, slapping, kicking , pushing, hair pulling, use of objects that cause pain such as a belt or burning the skin with cigarettes or a hot iron. Sexual abuse such as the rape of the wife and sexual assault without consent is, indeed, defined as physical bullying.

Emotional bullying is more difficult to detect as well as clearly and rationally reported it to others. The impact of such bullying is enormous and will endure for a very long time. Such bullying is observed as name calling, threatening, the use of foul language toward the victim on a regular basis, shouting, ignoring, neglect, isolating the victim from family and friends and the extensive use of drugs and alcohol which significantly increases bullying and violence. The use of threats is a frequent method of controlling the victim. Children within a family with a bully are additional victims of abuse since they are witnessing the emotional as well as the physical violence of the bully. These family members may emulate the bully and such behavior is repeated at school or on the playground.

If this Bully Monster is victimizing you or someone you know, intervention is needed immediately! The bully cannot acknowledge his abusive behavior because he does not recognize the impact of what he is doing. Therefore, if he cannot acknowledge the behavior, he cannot change the behavior. The victim must take action and get out of the relationship in order to protect herself and her children. The victim deserves a life free of fear and abuse and needs to develop a plan of action to vacate and to have available telephone numbers for the police and a battered women’s shelter. The bully will not and cannot change his behavior by the victim’s intervention only. Clinical intervention is relevant in order to help the bully overcome his violent and destructive behavior and perhaps regain his spouse and family.

Please do let us hear your voice and what you are feeling about this topic. Next time, I will be continuing to discuss this topic but I will focus on the female bully as well as the children in the family and how bullying effects their emotional development.

Bullys in the Family

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Today I attended a workshop on Blogging which was presented by an outstanding writer. Unfortunately, when I entered the room, I was aware of my own bully, a colleague, who sat at my table. As reported in my last post, about bullys in the work or professional environment,my bully fits the description of the Narcissistic Adult Bully. This bully “is self-centered and does not share empathy with others as a result of their behavior.” “They think highly of themselves and has a need to put others down to maintain their level of importance.” As a highly respected member of the community, it is most difficult to report or acknowledge such a person’s behavior to others. Therefore, I did choose to send this bully a letter explaining his actions and how much I was hurt. This letter was not acknowledged nor was the email that was sent after I encountered this individual at another event. This category of adult bully finds it most difficult to acknowledge his behavior. As most victims of a bully, and cited in my last blog, ” Bullys do not wish to address their behavior and any attempt to describe their behavior and how much you have been hurt is useless and unproductive. My only recourse, due to his prominence and pompous self regard, is to continue to ignore and distance myself from this bully. Perhaps forgiveness will diminish my pain but the memory of this painful encounter will always remain in my heart and in my soul.

As revealed in my last post, I did plan to discuss the adult bully within the family. This bully could be described as a spouse, a parent, an uncle, an aunt or even a grandparent. The pain that is inflicted upon their victims is similar to the fear, intimidation and humiliation that is experienced in the work setting. However, the victim suffers more due to the fact that this bully is a family member who is suppose to love and respect them.

As described in the definition of a bully, it is a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort. Bullying can take the form of physical contact, words or more subtle actions. Dysfunctional families do engage in such behavior in the form of child abuse, spousal abuse and geriatric abuse. All family members are at risk for such pain and suffering if there is a bully in residence. We have all been aware of such horror stories on the media almost daily. Perhaps we have lived with and have been subjected to a bully in your family. I have described family bullies within my own family in my book, FAMILY SECRETS: A JOURNEY OF GOOD AND EVIL and if you wish to learn more about this experience, I do provide information on my book on my website, family secrets.tateauthor.com

In my next post, I will continue with more information and interventions on the topic of the adult bully within the family. Your voice and what you are feeling would be greatly appreciated.