Watch Out! The Monster Bully in the Family is Coming!!??

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Yes, indeed, these photos as shown above are most frightening, generating the reaction to “Watch Out!” This post will attempt to identify the male bully in the family and to assist victims in identifying and observing such behavior patterns.

Bullying is not a behavior that is seen exclusively on the playground since the adult bully never stops the bullying behavior and will tend to bring these dysfunctional patterns into their family system. For such a long time, men with bullying behaviors have been perceived as just “having a bad temper”, who rightfully exhibit frustrations with those in his family. Society has minimized such behavior as immature, child-like actions and described the bully as “Boys will be boys”, or “That’s just how men are.” These male bullies are more focused on their own feelings and image of self-importance and power than on how others are effected by their actions. Unfortunately, the female victims of these bullies are saddled with the responsibilities of working and caring for their children and possibly financially dependent on these men. These women tend to swallow their feelings of abuse and bullying rather than express them for fear of retaliation.

As noted in the photos, bullies can use physical abuse as well as emotional abuse to control their victims and to establish their power over the family as well as the spouse. Physical bullying is defined as an act of physical aggression that causes injury such as beatings, slapping, kicking , pushing, hair pulling, use of objects that cause pain such as a belt or burning the skin with cigarettes or a hot iron. Sexual abuse such as the rape of the wife and sexual assault without consent is, indeed, defined as physical bullying.

Emotional bullying is more difficult to detect as well as clearly and rationally reported it to others. The impact of such bullying is enormous and will endure for a very long time. Such bullying is observed as name calling, threatening, the use of foul language toward the victim on a regular basis, shouting, ignoring, neglect, isolating the victim from family and friends and the extensive use of drugs and alcohol which significantly increases bullying and violence. The use of threats is a frequent method of controlling the victim. Children within a family with a bully are additional victims of abuse since they are witnessing the emotional as well as the physical violence of the bully. These family members may emulate the bully and such behavior is repeated at school or on the playground.

If this Bully Monster is victimizing you or someone you know, intervention is needed immediately! The bully cannot acknowledge his abusive behavior because he does not recognize the impact of what he is doing. Therefore, if he cannot acknowledge the behavior, he cannot change the behavior. The victim must take action and get out of the relationship in order to protect herself and her children. The victim deserves a life free of fear and abuse and needs to develop a plan of action to vacate and to have available telephone numbers for the police and a battered women’s shelter. The bully will not and cannot change his behavior by the victim’s intervention only. Clinical intervention is relevant in order to help the bully overcome his violent and destructive behavior and perhaps regain his spouse and family.

Please do let us hear your voice and what you are feeling about this topic. Next time, I will be continuing to discuss this topic but I will focus on the female bully as well as the children in the family and how bullying effects their emotional development.

Is This The Bully in Your Family?

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As noted in the picture above, the bully in this scene, in this family, may represent someone in your family or someone that you know. This post will describe the effects that a bully has on a family and how to identify this dysfunctional member. In future posts, I will discuss spousal bullies, fathers who are bullies as well as the mother in the family. The child within the family who plays the role of the bully will be discussed in many posts.

Bullying within the family is probably the least reported form of bullying. It comes in many forms and aspects such as from the mother or father upon their children. Close relatives such as aunts, uncles, cousins, stepchildren can also be identified as family bullies. If a family member is constantly criticizing, threatening a member regularly, complaining about the victim, making negative comparisons to others and generally not exhibiting any love or affection to that family member, bullying does exist in that family. The opinion of society is that since this happens within the family, it should be ignored or excused. Not only does bullying provoke a crisis within the family, this form of aggressive and cruel behavior can impact the behavior of the bully outside of the family.

The victim of a family bully finds it difficult to trust anyone outside of the family since trust does not exist within the family.If it is the wife or mother who is the victim of an adult bully (husband) her victimization will impact on her ability to parent her children. She will live in fear of physical and emotional abuse and will find it difficult to function outside of her dysfunctional home especially in her work environment and social interactions. The male victim of bullying ( the wife) will be too humiliated to reveal his predicament and believes that he will not be believed since the statistics are quite low in male spousal abuse. Bullying amongst siblings may be a causal factor of emulating the violent behavior of their parents or parents who are fearful and helpless in controlling their bullying children. Victims of sibling bullying exhibit dysfunctional behavior amongst peers and in school. These children may also be the bully on the playground replicating family behaviors. Lastly, on the topic of family bullies, children may be the target of bullying from their own parents and victimized by them physically or emotionally.

A characteristic of a bully that should be considered is that it is highly unlikely that you can make a bully understand that the way he or she is treating you is abusive. These dysfunctional people do not take ownership of their aggressive behavior. They always have a justification and rationalization for their acts and most probably that you are the cause of their behavior. The only way these bullies can be helped is through clinical intervention.

My next post will discuss and describe the adult male bully within a family and how to address this dysfunctional family member.

Do you know anyone who replicates these descriptions? Do let us hear your voice and what your are feelings?

The Adult Bully: Who is This Predator?

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As noted in current media reports, the focus is on children who bully and rarely are adults described or reported to be bullies. An adult bully is more likely to use verbal bullying as opposed to physical abuse exhibited by children. The goal of an adult bully is to gain power over their victim and assert themselves as the dominant adult. These bullies attempt to humiliate victims and show them who is the boss. Does this person seem familiar to you?

There are many different categories of adult bullies and can be identified by the following characteristics;

1. Narcissistic Adult Bully is self-centered and does not share empathy with others. This bully exhibits little anxiety about the consequences of their actions.They are narcissistic and think highly of themselves and has a need to put others down to maintain their level of importance.

2. Impulsive Adult Bully is highly spontaneous and usually do not plan their assaultive acts. These bullies seem to find it quite difficult to restrain their actions and displace their anger on innocent victims.

3. Physical Bully are rare but do threaten to harm a victim with highly descriptive assaults. They may channel their aggression to possessions of the victim by destroying their property or treasured belongings or choosing to steal them instead.

4.Verbal Adult Bully uses damaging words such as highly destructive rumors about their victim. Sarcastic and demeaning language is used to dominate or humiliate an innocent person. Such bullying is, indeed, difficult to document by a victim and may effect the quality of life, job performance and is a factor in causing depression for the victim.

5.Secondary Adult Bully is demonstrated by someone who does not initiate the bullying but does join in with other aggressive individuals with the intention of protecting themselves from being a target of other bullies in the future.

Bullying in the work place can create a miserable and difficult, unproductive work environment. It is relevant that supervisors be made aware of bullies since they can disrupt productivity and create a negative atmosphere for the workers. Morale usually is poor in such a setting and risks for potential law suits do exist.

Bullies do not wish to address their behavior problems and reporting them rather then attempting to work things out is the only intervention for a victim. Bullies are more interested in power and domination and they wish to feel that they are important and preferred and accomplish this by bringing others down. A positive aspect of reporting a bully is that their behavior can be documented and there are legal and civil laws for harassment, abuse and other forms of bullying.

Bullies were frequently bullies as children or a victim themselves as children. Understanding this behavioral aspect of a bully will assist you in understanding their dysfunctional behavior. However, all one can do is to ignore the bully, report the behavior and document the bully’s behavior.

Have you met this predator? Do let us hear your voice and what are your feelings about bullies.

My next post will continue to discuss bullies, the bully not in the work environment but the bully within the family, the home environment.

The Painful and Ugly Words of Bullyism ( resubmitted due to image editing)

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As the above poster depicts, words can be painful and destructive weapons inflicted on a victim who will bleed emotionally. The media has provided much information on bullyism within our schools and playgrounds and how our children are wounded and permanently scared by such a painful experience. Indeed, adults are also victims in this world of evil, dysfunctional people who demean and humiliate us and damage our self image.

Adult bullying frequently does occur in the work setting in the form of sexual harassment and sexist behaviors towards female workers. Such bullying provokes a sense of helplessness and the embarrassment of seeking support from superiors for fear of job loss or denial of promotions. Persistent and unending bullying and abuse is a causal factor of depression and medical problems associated with stress. Adult bullyism also occurs within the home and in relationships within the family. As noted in the graphic on this post, the woman featured exhibits much fear and the need to protect herself physically and emotionally.Is that you?

I am sure that there are many readers who have experienced adult bullyism and need to voice their fears and sense of degradation by a bully who is suppose to love and respect them. Yes, men can also be victims of bullyism and should not feel shame in revealing such a dysfunctional behavior pattern in our world inflicted upon you by wounded bullies who displace their pain upon others. Let me hear your voice and what you are feeling, the theme of this blog.

In future postings, I will continue to discuss adult bullyism and childhood bullies will be presented at a later date. Research on these topics and strategies in resolving bullyism will be provided one blog at a time, one soul at a time.